Czytaj dowcipy w kategorii Po angielsku :
A Canadian is having his petit dejeuner (coffee, croissants, bread, butter jam) when an American man, chewing gum, sits down next to him.
The Canadian ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
American: "You Canada folk eat the whole bread??"
Canadian (in a bad mood): "Of course."
American: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We dont. In the States, we only eat what is inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada."
The American has a smirk on his face. The Canadian listens in silence.
The American persists: "Dya eat jelly with the bread??"
Canadian: "Of Course." American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We dont. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to Canada."
The Canadian then asks: "Do you have sex in America?"
American: "Why of course we do", the American says with a big smirk.
Canadian: And what do you do with the condoms once you ve used them?"
American: "We throw them away, of course."
Canadian: "We dont. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to America."
An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the First Officer is Chinese. It is the first time they have flown together and it is obvious by the silence that they do not get along.
After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters:
- I do not like Chinese.
The First Officer replies:
- Oooooh, no likee Chinese? Why dat?
- You bombed Pearl harbor. That is why I do not like Chinese.
- Nooooo, noooo... Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese.
- Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese...it does not matter, they are all alike.
Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally the First Officer says:
- No likee Jew.
- Why not? Why do not you like Jews?
- Jews sink Titanic.
- No, no. The Jews did not sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg.
- Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah... all same.
Dwóch facetów łowi ryby. Jednemu z nich bierze co chwilę, a drugi tylko moczy kije w wodzie. Ten pechowy wreszcie nie wytrzymał:
- Proszę mi powiedzieć, na jaką przynętę pan łowi?
- Łapię na pastylki na syfilis - zadrwił ten drugi.
Pechowy zostawia sprzęt na brzegu, wskakuje do swojej "Syrenki" i jedzie do najbliższej apteki.
- Poproszę 4 opakowania pastylek na syfilis.
- A co, złapał pan? - zainteresował się życzliwie aptekarz.
- Jeszcze nie, ale znam super miejsce!
Gun Shop Owner: Hi, How can I help you?
Client: I am looking for a gun.
Owner: What kind of gun are you looking for?
Client: (pointing at the biggest handgun in the case): That one looks about right.
Owner: (very surprised): Why do you need a .44 magnum?
Client: It is for shooting at cans.
Owner: (pointing at a small handgun) Well, this is the perfect size for shooting at cans.
Client: (pointing again at the .44) Nah, I need this one.
Owner: OK, what kind of cans are you shooting at?
Client: Mexi-cans... Puerto Ri-cans... Afri-cans...
Idzie wędkarz wkurwiony po błocie, nic nie złowił, bo myśliwi polowanie sobie urządzili.. Nagle: trach-babach i coś spadło przed nim na ziemię. Podchodzi, patrzy - kaczka Podniósł, dalej poszedł. Podbiega myśliwy:
- Hej, chłopcze, oddaj kaczkę!
- Nie, nie oddam, ja ją znalazłem.
- Oddaj, ja cały dzień na nią polowałem!
- Nie, nie oddam...
Spierają się bitą godzinę. Nareszcie, wędkarz mówi:
- Dawaj tak:, kto kogo mocniej po jajkach kopnie, ten i kaczkę zabierze.
- No, dawaj.
Rozpędził się wędkarz, jak nie kopnie myśliwemu!
- Och, kurrfffaa..
Po 15 minutach wydusił
- Dawaj teraz ja ciebie kopnę.
- A po co? Zabieraj swoją kaczkę i spierdalaj!
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours lines of code streaming up the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition a bolt of lightning strikes taking out the electricity. Moments later the power is restored and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset and cries I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out. Very well then says God let us see if Jesus fared any better. Jesus enters a command and the screen comes to life in vivid display the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters But how! I lost everything yet his program is intact! How did he do it?!
God chuckles Jesus saves!
- Nie bardzo...
- Złapał pan coś?
- I co pan z nim zrobił?
- Wrzuciłem do wody.
- Duży był?
- Taki jak pan i też mnie wkurwiał.
On the night of their wedding a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations the bride came out of the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed.
- What are you doing? she asked.
- I am praying for guidance - answered the young man.
- I will take care of that - she replied. You pray for endurance.
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus one turned to another and said So what did you bring The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the Grandma Moses of Jail. Then he asked the first What did you bring The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said I brought cards. I can play poker solitaire gin and any number of games. The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked Why are you so smug What did you bring The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said I brought these. The other two were puzzled and asked What can you do with those He grinned and pointed to the box and said Well according to the box I can go horseback riding swimming roller-skating...
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says You know I do not know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we have been out drinking I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway I shut off the engine and coast into the garage I take my shoes off before I go into the house I sneak up the stairs I get undressed in the bathroom I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!
His buddy looks at him and says Well you are obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway slam the door storm up the steps throw my shoes into the closet jump into bed rub my hands on my wifes ass and say How about a little and she pretends she is asleep.